I'm scared of fame. I'm scared of what it brings. Responsibilities to keep people happy. Fuck responsibilities. Fuck not using curse words. Fuck life. Fuck God. Fuck god. fuck GOD. It's not between you or me or me and they but rather god and me and god himself. Not sure what this last sentence means. Sometimes I stutter while articulating and I find it even more articulative. Twice forward three backwards in sets of 5's. Nonsense. My brain does that. I'm not made to do anything but blog a fuck ton. My thoughts need to be written down. I feel too dead inside to not compose. I need to compose until I find a meaningful composition. I have a good head on my shoulders. I was just too young to realize what I was learning. It is learned by my body VERY WELL. VERY WELL. VERY WELL. WELL, VERY WELL. I wish I could unlearn it just like in a year or two as people grieve over break ups. Or maybe smart people do go through long break ups like 5-10 years. I hope I'll be fixed in 5-10 years. Shit, at least now I know my damage. It should be a downhill walk from here. I need to write. I need to write.

It's been a while since I wrote. I have decided to come back again and altogether. I missed this place. I need a venting joint. My wills are still more and more growing stronger towards ending it all. But it's just painful to see visually how much growth I have to go through to feel sane. It's funny most days I feel very insane but manage to just smoke cigs and still make it to my bed at night. I startle myself. My dad startles me. My brother in law startles me. My sister startles me. My little sister startles me. My brother startles me a lot. They only love me. But I don't know any better. Any type of attraction for me, or any love, somehow may mean I might owe them sex. That part is ingrained in my brain. Sex scares me. Sex is a huge part of life. Life is meaningless without sex. Or something like that for most people's minds. I wish to never have sex with another person again. I am fine by sexing by myself. I think it's a great way to relieve stress. I am an expert at getting the attention of chaturbate models if they allow a free user to chat. They all seem to do what I want, how I want, when I really want. This view of life is so luxurious I'm not sure anybody else in the world has it. Typing this out made me realize that it is real. I am a born writer. I almost wrote that on Facebook. I just love to stunt. I am careless. I suppose someone in my position can afford to be careless as all my feelings come back within the day or so. Then I can make new decisions. I am made to mechanically fuck a different girl every day. I am made emotionally to fuck a different girl every day. I am carved and made into a sex slave mentality. But I am surrounded by first world nation spoiled brats. Speaking of spoiled, I am spoiled in sex. I demand girls be naked and shaking their butts for me at all times that I am addressing them. It's really weird because then I'd want my sister like that too. These thoughts are not something you can make up. It's fucked up. It is disgusting. It is puke worthy It fucking puts me to shame. It fucking haunts me in my dreams. It fucking hurts to know that these thoughts exist for me. It fucking hurts. I don't like looking like a pimp 24/7. I don't take any pride in looking like a pimp 24/7. I don't take any luxury in looking like a pimp 24/7. I do take luxury some times. But not 24/7 as this curse is upon me supposes I endure. I hate typing weird. I suppose I am calming down now. This was nice. Till later, blogger.

a little informative rant

i was the guy that some girl gave the look like she wana have my babies but i kept lookin down and acted like that compliment wasn't for me but for the image i presented, i acted so desperate some times to get some girls' attention, but as soon as i'd get it, i'd flee the fuck away cuz i'd be scared of having sex with them and becoming used to having sex before marriage and i knew that if that was something i would be okay with... NO other evil/immoral (according to my religion) thing would ever again be easy to resist. I would just fall down this slippery slope and be another brick in the wall. There were a fuck ton of girls that I wished i could get them to show affection to me, but I knew if I worked for it, I couldn't keep that affection as a notch on my belt, and rather just leveled with those hoes (sorry just being realistic - affection is a game we play in this western culture) and made a deal with them... But if I can't snatch it from them, ain't no point in having it. Unless I can keep her in my palm and say "SHE IS MINE" without her being able to say "ya he's mine too tho" ... it is USELESS TO ME.



I'm glad I had sex when I was 7. Call it rape, molestation, or whatever the hell you wish... But it taught me a very very awesome and valuable lesson... That people can always say no to you after agreeing to have sex and (essentially) becoming "one" with you... and you ultimately VERY WELL MIGHT have to part ways, whether you like it or moan forever - will not change anything.
And I hadn't developed emotionally enough when that childhood thing happened, but I had developed the 6th sense which was always there, holding me back and calming me down like "dude, its gonna be a big ass regret like .01 seconds after u put it in" (when i cum)... so i could never let myself loose around any women. And because I was still always a pervert, as soon as there would be some distance between me and a chick, I would hit on them so hardcore and they'd like become my pets forever, and no man could ever top the shit i made them feel (still true to this day. I hold that honorably dishonorable record. that without touching them, I touched them deeper than any other man can ever dream to do.) And I guess that was compensation enough to me from God for not sexing them like i wanted to.

But man, was it hard getting kicked around like a fucking outdated empty soda can all throughout middle school and high school and each and every day walking home alone and just to be alone because there was NOBODY I could level with at all. my brother irl wasn't a perv at all, he was just like all normal ppl, so was my cousin and every single person i knew... nobody was that big of a sex addict as i was. but I still had a brother, and a cousin (who was just like my brother) who both i spent a lot of time with and was able to forget whatever I was going through...



now I am self-claimed a mack-daddy superb. And ultimately what i have realized is what having "game" means is that nobody knows who you truly are. Once you let people know what you're like when you're in pure ecstasy, they get under your skin (obviously the same gender doesn't give a fuck unless they're homosexual, but i'm speaking about opposite gender), and once they do that... since you can never change who you are as a person/soul cuz no matter what u do ur not gonna change all your memories/experiences up until that point in time, which make who you are and your personality... they basically OWN a part of you. And yeah this sound schizophrenic to say that they own a part of you, but what that means is that they can instantly call you out in public like "hey watsup" and you will fucking respond like a bell boy, helpless to show your affection and publicly display the connection you two share with your body language. I mean if it's gonna be out in the open like that and u can't help it but give up that PDA on their demand (public display of affection) - cuz i dunno what the going term is nowadays i just googled this, what the fuck is the point of even saying "i don't kiss and tell" ? LOL it's all visible miles and miles away... and noooo, i am not jealous of people that have that. but rather they are NAKED in front of everyone from my point of view. They have nothing hidden, they are a plain and open book. Now, I may be plain and simple and EASY AS FUCK to PREDICT AND READ... but you see... my book/chapters/stories are actually essentially non existent, and i am an unwritten book. I can choose any path I choose, and just knowing that is holding oblivion in my palm and playing around with it, throwing it at people like a yoyo and scaring the shit outta them, play a psychopath... open them up, learn about them, collect traits, hone in a better personality, grow... all while owing PDA TO NOBODY AT ALL. That mean mug people rap about... I got that to the core. Nobody knows who I am... hell, even I don't know who I am. And it's not like I took fucking disassociatives and just don't have a recollection of it, I actually do not have a reality that I am afraid to share with ANYONE IN THE WORLD.



How many of you can say there is not a single fucking thing you don't care if others found out about you? And you aren't ashamed of it? When I bump songs like ghetto star by tupac at high volumes through downtown crowds and shit... you know the part where he says "niggas is so ashamed they stand scared like stiff bitches" well... my attitude is more realistic than tupac himself. Granted I haven't ever been through half the shit you guys have, I am a goody two shoes silver spoon fed fat fuck... but the shit I know about the depth of the spiritual realm and the deep core soul shit that matters and that universally people can relate to (whether they openly ADMIT IT OR NOT)... now that is priceless. The smile I flash when I do, no matter if i'm high or not, it's pure innocence and when i smirk or chuckle you can't read me... all you think is "this guy thinks he's the shit" and SO WHAT BITCH?????? CAN YOU CALL ME OUT ON A MISTAKE I MADE??? naaaaa nigga, you mustn't be as to be as to so ignorant as to try to do so ma niggah. cuz it is affectless.



even now, every day it's a lonely day and i don't know who i am or where i am headed tomorrow... don't even think about two days from now tbh..... but it's just so much authority and so much fucking pleasure that my life is filllllled with. And you wanna know the most amazing part? I learned what the true religion is by verifying the fastest and most cleanest way to gain more game.

you mad at my tits cuz i don't lift? man give me some pain so i can let you in on some game... lets make that trade. cuz all i want is your sorrow, i wana absorb all your pains cuz you weak pussies giving a fuck up like its nobody's business... not takin responsibility for your own self worth, throwing your pride around and laying it down like some carpet for random ass people... it's pathetic and despicable to me. and i'm not saying this to anyone on here in specific, but in general to most of the population in the western world that just suck ass at getting affection.



In life you get to pick one: Respect or happiness. Which would you choose? I picked respect, and am more than happy with it.