I feel I lost my virginity this past week

Of course I already lost it long long ago, but just feels like my span is much wider 

Work wife religion

The three essentials that the human mind/heart need to be split into. Life is like juggling three things at once, but with like mostly mental effort. Physical effort is easy if mental preparation allows it. But in like my case for example my mental preparation doesn’t allow me to do most of the things people today are doing: actually expressing themselves. I beat myself up and it’s just my habit now, and then I feel normal after I beat myself up emotionally because I know God has a plan for me. He made me able to fit in with everyone fornicating yet gave me the card that I never  even lost my virginity yet have visions of me having sex. In fact I didn’t have the emotions to fully enjoy being with a woman, yet I learned that that is just the way it is because it happened to me at a tender age where kids are still absorbing things. Now I feel like a mafia pimp don sometimes or that’s what I try to compare myself and reach at, yet I have no experience with sex other than that horrible incident. Unfortunately women aren’t going to be lining up to help me feel better and tell me it’s ok not all girls are like that or maybe your situation was different. 

Either way I know I loved hard and stuck by it. I don’t try hard in life. I am made out into a joke because I am too sensitive now. And I could probably never be with a woman again. I didn’t know what I was doing. Actually I think back, I think I knew what I was doing was wrong even back then. But I had never tried anything wrong like that before, so I was curious. So I spent my precious childhood card on having sex. Now nobody can relate to me. And nobody is nearby that I can discuss this with. 

Today I realized

I can watch any movie and I have no real worries

Feels good

Yayyyy