I live two lives

One is this innocent boy who can do no wrong. And the other is this malicious demon that lives inside me. When the combination comes out it’s beautiful to experience. But people don’t realize how taxing it is to manage the demon to where it lets the child speak.

I push things out of my brain

And most of the time I am constantly doing it. Fun stuff.

Between happy and sad

I can either be happy and weak or strong and sad. I think I choose happy and weak. It’s a rare thing to be happy. But maybe if I act weak all the time happiness will come get me to take me on a ride. The things that were revealed to me or that I’ve seen couldn’t be told to a normal emotional man. They would go mad. They couldn’t absorb it. No way. But I was made this way from childhood and then around age 22 I lead into my experiences. They’re even scary to talk about. Maybe I shouldn’t talk about my past. Children stay with you even if you’re weird. They don’t question stuff as much. They’re neat. I love little kids who are well behaved and smart. 

Another amazing morning

Yeah I could be enjoying more. But according to Islamic theology I’m suffering proper. I need to learn how to work with eyes on me. I’m really self conscious and it sorta sucks because I need to be around people. 

I hope people who have went through similar stuff reach out to me somehow

Early in the day

I like to get my whims completed, as if they’re a task. One that will make me regret until I give in to the slightest whim, but then again something as strong or likable as cigarettes are, it sort of makes sense I am losing my shit just because I am not going to smoke my last cigarette. I need to go buy more; the gas station is less than a mile away, I have a car, I have the money, but it’s 82 degrees Fahrenheit outside and I have to wear a jacket to have convenient pockets. My neck also hurts from last night, I think I slept on my neck turned too much. Was really itching for some sleep and trying all angles in the early morning. 

”Vulnerability is power” - Landon something, a male survivor of sexual assault. Powerful words. Must be lived by by people like me or else we face depression and suffering.

My mind is a blank

A healthy blank. I have no job

No responsibilities really

Even a door slam scares me.

So my responsibilities lie elsewhere 

Where I am to keep safe at all times

And feel great about it

I’m getting better at filler blogging haha

I once had an image of what my personality is and

I was in awe myself

But I forgot it shortly after and still trying to 

Find it again.

Babies are playing soccer across where I sit, babies should not be playing soccer.

You need stamina to play soccer, 

Can’t be a messy baby.

There’s like two parents watching though 

So they’ll be okay I know

This seems like a bad journal entry boring and

Void of meaning but the reader sees more

Of what is actually going on and therefore

It probably is worthy.

Everyone has their burden and mine is purely mental. Physically I’m having a blast. Smoking my favorite cigarettes, enjoying time with family whenever I want, eat what I want, sleep when I want, brush my teeth when I want, use the bathroom when I want, shower when I want. Let’s focus on the good for now. Enjoy it while it lasts etc. I’m really good at my favorite video game; Csgo. It rocks. 

I love my life living with family doing nothing most days but just kickin it enjoying lounging. I honestly couldn’t ask for more. I’m programmed to just be unattainable. Maybe that’s why I’m alone. I get close to asking out to dinner or some food outing but then I get scared I’m gonna be bored and there’ll be no way out. I dunno how I will act, will I be too rushing, will I have to wait, will I be normal and just be bored each time she attempts to hit on me and then be like her teacher on how to live her life without having sex with her like I imagine I want to be with them.? Lol man I’m just funny. 

I live with family and love to live with family and love knowing what they’re doing all the time but I’m hesitant to hang out with them for once again fear of boredom taking over and then me being a party pooper for which I do not want to take the responsibility. Haha. 

I have nothing on me really but cigs phone lighter and clothes but I feel I am the most valuable person right now. It’s probably largely due to chill music. Sometimes once I talk and share it, it becomes less fun. Wonder why that is.

i often spend time analyzing how other people think

then i pick and choose the best traits and keep those as part of my ever growing personality.

but it's not how i feel, it's just what i feel i should do. it's an endless struggle
I wonder how other people express themselves, because I feel I need to have an almost out of body experience
Just to express how sad I am sometimes.
I hate having to express myself.
But it is also what calms me down the most.
I hate being human
It sucks.
I wish I could just be like a djinn and float around
But then again they are more emo than us.
Ugh.

I should just be thankful for being so blessed.
But I must express my gratitude that is on a similar magnitude.

I kind of fundamentally don't understand what it means to be happy.
Or maybe I don't know how to be anything other than happy.
Not sure.
It's weird.
Wish I had a therapist or a licensed professional who could read all these notes and report back.
For free preferrably, as I have really nothing to give but time.
Time is money they say, but my whole life is really useless I feel.
That bitch.
She really fucked me up in the head.
Man it sucks.
Reeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Oh I seem normal right now.
As I read these lines, it almost seems like I have a real personality.
This is so relieving.
I'm going to celebrate.

My battle station

is the most optimal stuff out there.
I got a 9600KF processor. 2060 GTX graphics card, cuz that’s all you need really. I’m trying to enjoy the gameplay not the graphics alone. Ugh man this post is nerdy.

I think my ram is running at 2666mhz to go with the specifications of my cpu as per the intel website. I have a samsung nvme m.2 ssd 970 pro. 

RedDragon keyboard. Logitech g pro wireless mouse. 

Seems like I turned out fine. :D
I love my csgo skills.

I think the only time to complain is

When you’re waiting on someone. That seems legit. Anyway it’s what I’m contemplating right now. When I’m no longer waiting on someone, then I’ll be relieved to deal with my suffering alone. 

Weed is too physical to really feel it. I can feel the cigarette in my mouth shaking but I’m still having to easen my way into feeling the mental effects. 

Ugh.

So much trauma. 

Venting somewhere seems to make it better almost instantaneously. I wonder if it’s just the morning kratom withdrawal shits that I’m hating right now. Eh who am I kidding I just hate this worldly life. 

It’s like I’ve used up all my hope and all I got is faith left. Faith is like a binary variable, either you got it or you don’t. I probably have it from the childhood sex. But what sucks is she never let me really do anything and I just followed her commands. Now I’m such a simp I always think women want me to do things for them so I avoid them with a pole made of how cocky I am. 

I sometimes feel shell shocked from all the meaningless and effortless sex I went through. I didn’t want it, and had it anyway. Now when my body gets horny I hardly know how to contain it. It makes me want to just stop a girl on the road and just start having sex with her on her car. That’s a pretty fucked up thought but that’s probably where I feel 100% comfortable as far as the scenario goes that would turn me on. It’s fucked really. Nobody can offer me that unless I bought my own mansion and did this inside, which at that point it wouldn’t be the same thing. I’m programmed to enjoy rape. It’s the only sex I ever had. It’s fucked how badly someone could rape someone. The biggest stunts and compliments from people don’t reach me because I’m just in a rocket ship of mindset strictly built for rape sex. Of course them raping me that is. I’d probably say no though as I do tend to act quite rational when not horny. My puberty is linked to suicidal development. Oh god that’s sad. It’s weird to be your own therapist. Well at least I learned more about how to be a good therapist by getting actual therapy. 

My approach to women is that of an advertisement approaching web surfers. It’s the only way I feel it’s safe because then it’ll be unsolicited and nobody would have to wait on anybody. I basically waited on her to use my body. And perhaps that’s why I want to do the same to a female body. But the thing is, no human male is capable of just playing around with the female body because it feels weird, non consensual, borderline having sex with a dead person, and the trauma dealt with having to deal with another person, well for someone as considerate as me, their food their clothing their mental state etc all sound way too taxing to go through with. But that is exactly what I feel as though I need in order to feel comfortable around females. 

It’s like I want to cut off my dick, grow tits and become a fucking tranny. Because that’s how badly I want to become one with the female body. Honestly it’s probably a lack of actual sex, and that’d probably reaffirm belief in my own body and make me feel okay. And then I probably need it again and again, but the amount of comfort I am due to feel is unfathomable. I would probably be her little bitch, bending over backwards and thanking her like she’s an angel because of how much better I would be feeling. At least that’s what I fear. I fear making a fool out of myself, but each time I try to look around all I see are fools who are seemingly just a tad more comfortable with everything than I am. If I wasn’t so emotional and sensitive I wouldn’t have gotten hurt this bad from a simple bunch of sex. Although it’s fucked and yeah it’s left me quite literally broken both emotionally and physically, it’s kinda cool to think how early I lost my virginity, fell in love / made a friend who I decided to trust in, and did that whole bit. And how fast we did it, to where there were no social stigmas to worry about, no social pressure for anything, no social image, (I guess my social image was stolen before I had the chance to develop one), no parents, no worries, no care about anything but simply being cocky in my own emotional intelligence. And come to think about it the amount of wisdom I have now couldn’t have been learned by me in my older years... it’s too traumatic and too scary and too black and too dark and too bleak of a future when someone abuses someone super sensitive and at a tender age when they don’t know what right is and don’t quite realize what wrong implicates. I was told the idea of what is wrong and what is right but I had never expetienced wrong, I had just been doing right and good as the older people instructed me. I feel the whole family raped me. I listened to all good out of all people and they were all a part of my family. I am blameless and therefore shameless. 

It’s just sad that I feel no shame. It’s offensive. My personality is offensive. But I act so scared and shy that people can’t resist this combination. And that scares me even more because people won’t guide me at all, they expect me to ask them the right questions. I don’t care if I sound crazy anymore. I might as well wear the mask if I’m going to live the life. I haven’t died yet or attempted suicidal ever ( don’t want to either I’m scared of meeting god on that note) so I’m probably still living the life that was going on by that 6-7 year old me. I just didn’t know what all I was forfeiting just to help this lady have sex.  It sucks man. But it’s also something to brag about apparently. I don’t know how to live this duality even though I’ve dreamt of having it this way for as long as I can remember. And I believe in God. So that also automatically makes me crazy as there is no proof of God existing anywhere. The truths I’ve seen and been through are only for me. If I share them I automatically become a demon amongst people. What a shitty curse. “We love you, just don’t be completely honest, it makes us feel like dirt.” What a sentiment. It probably means I am from the gutter like those rap songs talk about (hardest love song by Yelawolf). I really am the epitome of love. Writing this is making me have butterflies in my belly. Who do I share this with? 

I think low maintenance is a richness in itself

Like a Toyota vs a Mercedes. Toyota has cheaper parts and easily found replacements for maintenance. Mercedes probably require a dealership oil change and brakes and any body damage can’t easily be fixed for cheap. Having to spend a lot of money in the future is a type of slavery in the sense that it takes away from your buying power and therefore freedom. 

Being ok with less is a powerful thing. I require less material things but I require lots of attention in social situations. I need to just stop bitching and start hanging out with girls and discover what kind of people I am most favoring and comfortable with. I honestly don’t think I’m missing out on too much as I see on the internet the people who are sexually active. And they are all full of stupid energy. They don’t care to create anything but life itself. Nothing to add to the value of life itself but rather want to create an abundance of life around them. Maybe if I hadn’t discovered evil so soon I’d be on the same boat as them. 

I’m happy with less not because I choose to accept less but rather it is something I find comfort in it. Both the political statement that makes and also the physical comfort it provides. Both are satisfactory to me. But then again I am not really super happy at all times like other people are. The ones creating all the life itself.

I think Charlotte also has mosquitos. I feel bit by one for sure. It’s getting itchy.

Charlotte's nice

I like it. It's pretty comfortable. The table is a bit higher than it should be, but the chair doesn't go down on its own either. I'm goofy. That makes me lovable.
The name always reminds me of Charlotte Stokely the porn star. And she is hot, so this place must be nice as well.

Plea: Wanna be a : God
Wanna be a god so bad
Can't quite reach above the ceiling
That's all I got to say because
I'm that nigga hypocrite white
I haven't earned my keep yet
So i jump family to family
We all in this epidemic together
Don't you wish you could put
me to SLEEEEP?
Tonight
We all zane

When I wrote that, I was going through some psychotic frustration phases. And it sucked.
I wrote that on facebook, and it was pretty awesome because I got some feedback
The feedback was random, but it was fun either way
.My original intention was just to entertain people but
also for once in a way that doesn't target anybody in specific
And makes the joke out to be on their expense.
This joke was harmless
And if anything, it was at my own expense.
But I believe I bought it at a good price or bargain or whatever
Because come on
Everybody wants to be God.
Even just for a moment.
It's still there. The desire doesn't phade.


Charlotte is as alive as Dallas, TX but it doesn't have that same hick kind of spoiled feel I feel.
It still has a near air to it.
If I could, I'd have my dad move to Charlotte, NC for some time and enjoy that family/dad high with all the amenities I have right now.
That would be epic.
But some things you just can't have.
Maybe that's why we want them so bad.

Ugh it sucks having to express myself all the time so damn much.
It's just taxing to have to write or do stuff.
I suppose such is life.
And I have just been spoiled.
I do have it pretty fucking good.
But I supposed I need some venting as well,
Sort of a emotional fight if you will.
That would settle me down and keep me occupied I think
. Or maybe it wouldn't.


I enjoy all the emotional fights I've been through.
But maybe it'd be nice if they ended.
Or at least I had less emotional turmoil within myself to deal with.
So maybe I could help others or talk about their struggles
And get lost in their problems.
And forget that I have any for once
Because in all honesty I am the best well off person alive probably

And still I find stuff to complain about.
It's quite a wonder what a human being is capable of.
Give him everything. And he finds a way to say "Why the hell have I been given everything? Why not someone else?
Who can I relate to?"
And it continues.
I miss my dad though. Who's about a 11-13 hour drive away, or a 2 hour plane ride away.
So that's comforting that I am able to reach him if need be.

I feel too good

It’s scaring me. I have never been comfortable with feeling good... I have always been kept down due to that being my comfort zone. It’s like there now lives a demon inside my head that I have to earn the respect of. It sucks because he is a part of me and still disrespects me most of the time I’m breathing. It’s triggered by even my sister. And I live with her. Talk about suicidal shit havin to face. But in actuality she loves me respects me cares about me. 

It’s still scary none the less. After testing my brother in law a bit and seeing how he is doing emotionally I can feel at ease now. I think I have always wanted my own place but refuse to work for it and just want things to be handed to me. First world virus. Wasted opportunities that I never would have had in Pakistan. It’s sad really. I spend all my day in enjoyment. And refuse to work whatsoever. Even if it means having to go and walk up to someone to strike a conversation. I absolutely refuse. 

Sailing is like classic art and driving is like digital art

I’m not really sure how to describe this but here I go. Sail boats usually don’t fuzz into the picture because they mostly look like they aren’t even moving. But cars snapped at night with a normal camera will have that car lights’ blurr. Makes them look digital because of how other digital art is made and looks. I don’t know anything about digital art to be honest but I felt this point of view slaps.