This cold is kicking my ass

This common cold is kicking my ass. I wish I could ask it to stop somehow… but that probably is very unlikely. I mean it affects others as well… so I’m not the only target it has. It probably has a deeper purpose than to only bother Haris. I can only assume it will leave me alone soon because I want to have all my energy back and be able to walk around with my head held high instead of looking down for fear of nose dripping on my lips.

I’ve been having the body aches associated with sneezes and the super warm body-feel-like every time there is water or something cold in proximity. I mean I still managed to smoke one cigarette so far because I had the excuse that it would jam up my nose with all that carbon and it would stop leaking water-like snot. But I’m finding out that it just got me that bit of a dopamine rush and that’s all it really did. I actually had to wipe my nose a couple of times while I was smoking that cigarette. Although towards the end it got better as though the carbon clogging really worked. I sometimes fail to reason out what to do in the moment, so I just get stuck upon something.

My little niece just lied and told my dad that I was calling him downstairs just so she could eat a cookie. Smart or evil? Bit of both perhaps?

Either way, my throat still hurts and feels like there might be something sharp stuck inside or within it, for a lack of being able to explain feelings better in words. I’m still eating and drinking though, and taking care of myself. I think my body will recover just fine in the end, because I always do end up making it somehow. This is also the first cold I’ve had in about two years so I can’t really say I don’t deserve this (per se?), but I mean I really don’t deserve this! (:P ).

I’ve decided I’m going to vent out, and publish this rant on my blog… because even though it is boring as hell and about me as an individual and doesn’t apply to others, people can relate and give me a “oh wow same here dude” and probably divert my attention from the cold. Having said this, I shouldn’t get any comments! ;) The way I like it.

hermitvirgin4life : episode 1 (bored; logically)

Hi. My name is Haris Malik. And I’m bored of the world.

I can’t commit suicide because logically I was born without my choice and therefore it shouldn’t be my choice to get to decide to end it either. Maybe this is also tied to the religious aspect of my thinking, but either ways… I just don’t think I could commit suicide. It doesn’t seem right when I gather myself completely.

There are things I’ve wanted to do such as travel around the world, go to Europe, see the fast pace of life and look at people in awe and just travel throughout their daily routines in my imaginative mind and then stay in awe. Awe is what I would consider opposite of being bored. So, traveling would therefore certainly rid me of my boredom.
Although the boredom is all in all my perspective of the world, I think the world has the burden to excite me! Because I didn’t get to choose to be born, and therefore the world, or this pre-existing system that I was born into has to show me what all there is possible that can excite me. If I’m too manic right now, and that’s the excuse for why I can’t find anything exciting… This only proves my point that I am able to see things for what they are. And therefore there is nothing exciting happening in this world.

Relationships fail because everyone is selfish. We can choose to care and accompany one another and enjoy the “high” times out of the support for our emotionally attached ideas and thoughts, but in the end we are only selfish. That’s the sad reality of this world I truly believe so. I mean, especially when people say “people consider me very selfless, and I think I am a good person / am selfless!” this only proves my point because anytime someone says something along the lines of “No, I am not!” this is their attempt at trying to prove themselves. And when you are trying to prove yourself, it is because you yourself have a doubt in you existing the way you believe to be, and need to gain the approval of the people/world around you. So, therefore anyone self-claiming they are selfless is really selfishness in a cute and hideously embedded way.

I’ve tried to love someone, but really it’s just ignorance in an honest way. I think logically anytime my mind allows me to. Logic thinking is something I believe in. Love would be something I could have faith in, but I couldn’t believe in It because logically it wouldn’t conclude.

Faith vs Belief: Belief in something is something that is testable over and over and conventionally believable as long as someone is willing to listen. As long as they are willing to listen, they MUST believe in it… without being able to hold the power to deny it. On that level, if conventionally it is strong enough for everyone to happily agree, it is something that is believable.

Faith, on the other hand, is something people can nod to in awe and inspiration, but can’t actually place the thought in their mind on a fathomable scale. Nobody can in their right mind choose to believe in faith. Instead, I think we are driven to believe in faith because of how bogus this world seems at times. Bogus in the sense that it doesn’t make sense to believe in only what we believe in at the time.

To be continued when I have something more real to add.

hermitvirgin4lyfe : episode 1

Cigs for homies

I even smoke cigs for others now when they are in need and can't hurt themselves properly. Taking requests.