I need to go out more

Specifically new spots and find myself comfortable enough to just breathe and be comfortable in public. I think it will help me overcome many things. Like for one I always feel like I am not physically safe and I think that fear would go away as I go out in places and feel more comfortable. Even just smoke a cig and then coming back would be beneficial.

I have no innocence left

Nobody will mate with someone who isn’t human and just acts like an actual animal... little remorse dark horse. I want to go to god and just get to judgement and forgiveness already... this lonesome thing is really tiring

Life is happening

Whether I choose to face the fact or not, there are tiny water splashes happening amongst the rocks here. It is not alive, water and wind and rotation are all dead things, but they together are resonating life itself. It’s a beautiful reminder; this water splashing against rocks in a tranquil manner is truly fascinating. It makes me think of the possibility of humans making such calm yet prominent splashes/life.

Its like my imagination gets used up

For a certain amount of time, I think it's like 48-72 hours, I can use my imagination up
Or use it sparingly and make bigger impactful things over a week's time.
I mostly use it sparingly and try to make my profile lower than
it really is.
And with that advantage, I then barrage attack my opponents
with unused unseen before prowess that somehow now exists.
I'm posting this openly in my blog though, because I like challenges
I don't care for advantage necessarily.
I know God gives where God wishes.
It mattesr not what I do, if I flaunt it or use it wisely
Allah's will will not be lessened imo.
Unless I use it to take advantage of others,
Which in that case I do feel my advantage will be taken
Away from me.
Which I do not wish,
So I have always used it for the betterment of others.
Mostly.
Unless I'm greedy,
Which then I use it to spread my greed throughout the company
Instead of just spilling my greed as is.
Ha.

I have all I want

Getting rid of what I need. Pooping away wastes. I really am glad to be living with such loving and lovable people, my family. I am very glad that my family treats me well. 

I am very glad that my parents gave me a good future. 

I am glad that I have a nice computer and very glad it’s all mine and no sharing with anybody else.

I am very thankful to Allah/God/Yahweh whoever is up there. Thanks sky daddy.

i once used to walk the roads empty at night alone by the light

Looking for God. Any sign of pleasure and pure truth at once. Longing for God. Any sign of God anywhere pure and simple. I once met the devil in my search. Posit he did. Accept did I. Dance did we. Fall did I. He let me go. God wouldn't do that. But God isn't here he says. Only dark evil soulless robots running this joint he says. Make love to me he says. Disgusting is he. Rejected is he. Dance did I. However more. Sometimes you have to trust yourself said he. I lost my confidence to a piece of invisible ink. I think it was invisible. It didn't exist much. It dug so deep whatever it was written on.

Do I deserve it?

Do I deserve something is what my mind triggers and says but I’m realizing that it’s much more about do I want it. It sucks not knowing what I want, but I also cannot burden others with trying to fulfill my wishes without me speaking of them. I must act without goals, I must sometimes even ramble without goals like meklin used to do. I need to somehow awake my inner dormant adult self and take over this childish cultist whim mentality that has apparently decided my  future and mentality. Unable to change I struggle to find defeat even because at least it’ll be a guarantee feeling. One that’s always there for me. The feeling of miserableness.

Negative! Sorry too much negativity too fast. I meant to just point out that we should focus on whether we want it or not instead of thinking if we deserve it

I feel great

Got a soda by my side a cig in my fingers a good headset on my ears just sittin with my feet together relaxing chillaxing just enjoying the rhythm of the night

I feel I lost my virginity this past week

Of course I already lost it long long ago, but just feels like my span is much wider 

Work wife religion

The three essentials that the human mind/heart need to be split into. Life is like juggling three things at once, but with like mostly mental effort. Physical effort is easy if mental preparation allows it. But in like my case for example my mental preparation doesn’t allow me to do most of the things people today are doing: actually expressing themselves. I beat myself up and it’s just my habit now, and then I feel normal after I beat myself up emotionally because I know God has a plan for me. He made me able to fit in with everyone fornicating yet gave me the card that I never  even lost my virginity yet have visions of me having sex. In fact I didn’t have the emotions to fully enjoy being with a woman, yet I learned that that is just the way it is because it happened to me at a tender age where kids are still absorbing things. Now I feel like a mafia pimp don sometimes or that’s what I try to compare myself and reach at, yet I have no experience with sex other than that horrible incident. Unfortunately women aren’t going to be lining up to help me feel better and tell me it’s ok not all girls are like that or maybe your situation was different. 

Either way I know I loved hard and stuck by it. I don’t try hard in life. I am made out into a joke because I am too sensitive now. And I could probably never be with a woman again. I didn’t know what I was doing. Actually I think back, I think I knew what I was doing was wrong even back then. But I had never tried anything wrong like that before, so I was curious. So I spent my precious childhood card on having sex. Now nobody can relate to me. And nobody is nearby that I can discuss this with. 

Today I realized

I can watch any movie and I have no real worries

Feels good

Yayyyy

I live two lives

One is this innocent boy who can do no wrong. And the other is this malicious demon that lives inside me. When the combination comes out it’s beautiful to experience. But people don’t realize how taxing it is to manage the demon to where it lets the child speak.

I push things out of my brain

And most of the time I am constantly doing it. Fun stuff.

Between happy and sad

I can either be happy and weak or strong and sad. I think I choose happy and weak. It’s a rare thing to be happy. But maybe if I act weak all the time happiness will come get me to take me on a ride. The things that were revealed to me or that I’ve seen couldn’t be told to a normal emotional man. They would go mad. They couldn’t absorb it. No way. But I was made this way from childhood and then around age 22 I lead into my experiences. They’re even scary to talk about. Maybe I shouldn’t talk about my past. Children stay with you even if you’re weird. They don’t question stuff as much. They’re neat. I love little kids who are well behaved and smart. 

Another amazing morning

Yeah I could be enjoying more. But according to Islamic theology I’m suffering proper. I need to learn how to work with eyes on me. I’m really self conscious and it sorta sucks because I need to be around people. 

I hope people who have went through similar stuff reach out to me somehow

Early in the day

I like to get my whims completed, as if they’re a task. One that will make me regret until I give in to the slightest whim, but then again something as strong or likable as cigarettes are, it sort of makes sense I am losing my shit just because I am not going to smoke my last cigarette. I need to go buy more; the gas station is less than a mile away, I have a car, I have the money, but it’s 82 degrees Fahrenheit outside and I have to wear a jacket to have convenient pockets. My neck also hurts from last night, I think I slept on my neck turned too much. Was really itching for some sleep and trying all angles in the early morning. 

”Vulnerability is power” - Landon something, a male survivor of sexual assault. Powerful words. Must be lived by by people like me or else we face depression and suffering.

My mind is a blank

A healthy blank. I have no job

No responsibilities really

Even a door slam scares me.

So my responsibilities lie elsewhere 

Where I am to keep safe at all times

And feel great about it

I’m getting better at filler blogging haha

I once had an image of what my personality is and

I was in awe myself

But I forgot it shortly after and still trying to 

Find it again.

Babies are playing soccer across where I sit, babies should not be playing soccer.

You need stamina to play soccer, 

Can’t be a messy baby.

There’s like two parents watching though 

So they’ll be okay I know

This seems like a bad journal entry boring and

Void of meaning but the reader sees more

Of what is actually going on and therefore

It probably is worthy.

Everyone has their burden and mine is purely mental. Physically I’m having a blast. Smoking my favorite cigarettes, enjoying time with family whenever I want, eat what I want, sleep when I want, brush my teeth when I want, use the bathroom when I want, shower when I want. Let’s focus on the good for now. Enjoy it while it lasts etc. I’m really good at my favorite video game; Csgo. It rocks. 

I love my life living with family doing nothing most days but just kickin it enjoying lounging. I honestly couldn’t ask for more. I’m programmed to just be unattainable. Maybe that’s why I’m alone. I get close to asking out to dinner or some food outing but then I get scared I’m gonna be bored and there’ll be no way out. I dunno how I will act, will I be too rushing, will I have to wait, will I be normal and just be bored each time she attempts to hit on me and then be like her teacher on how to live her life without having sex with her like I imagine I want to be with them.? Lol man I’m just funny. 

I live with family and love to live with family and love knowing what they’re doing all the time but I’m hesitant to hang out with them for once again fear of boredom taking over and then me being a party pooper for which I do not want to take the responsibility. Haha. 

I have nothing on me really but cigs phone lighter and clothes but I feel I am the most valuable person right now. It’s probably largely due to chill music. Sometimes once I talk and share it, it becomes less fun. Wonder why that is.

i often spend time analyzing how other people think

then i pick and choose the best traits and keep those as part of my ever growing personality.

but it's not how i feel, it's just what i feel i should do. it's an endless struggle
I wonder how other people express themselves, because I feel I need to have an almost out of body experience
Just to express how sad I am sometimes.
I hate having to express myself.
But it is also what calms me down the most.
I hate being human
It sucks.
I wish I could just be like a djinn and float around
But then again they are more emo than us.
Ugh.

I should just be thankful for being so blessed.
But I must express my gratitude that is on a similar magnitude.

I kind of fundamentally don't understand what it means to be happy.
Or maybe I don't know how to be anything other than happy.
Not sure.
It's weird.
Wish I had a therapist or a licensed professional who could read all these notes and report back.
For free preferrably, as I have really nothing to give but time.
Time is money they say, but my whole life is really useless I feel.
That bitch.
She really fucked me up in the head.
Man it sucks.
Reeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Oh I seem normal right now.
As I read these lines, it almost seems like I have a real personality.
This is so relieving.
I'm going to celebrate.

My battle station

is the most optimal stuff out there.
I got a 9600KF processor. 2060 GTX graphics card, cuz that’s all you need really. I’m trying to enjoy the gameplay not the graphics alone. Ugh man this post is nerdy.

I think my ram is running at 2666mhz to go with the specifications of my cpu as per the intel website. I have a samsung nvme m.2 ssd 970 pro. 

RedDragon keyboard. Logitech g pro wireless mouse. 

Seems like I turned out fine. :D
I love my csgo skills.

I think the only time to complain is

When you’re waiting on someone. That seems legit. Anyway it’s what I’m contemplating right now. When I’m no longer waiting on someone, then I’ll be relieved to deal with my suffering alone. 

Weed is too physical to really feel it. I can feel the cigarette in my mouth shaking but I’m still having to easen my way into feeling the mental effects. 

Ugh.

So much trauma. 

Venting somewhere seems to make it better almost instantaneously. I wonder if it’s just the morning kratom withdrawal shits that I’m hating right now. Eh who am I kidding I just hate this worldly life. 

It’s like I’ve used up all my hope and all I got is faith left. Faith is like a binary variable, either you got it or you don’t. I probably have it from the childhood sex. But what sucks is she never let me really do anything and I just followed her commands. Now I’m such a simp I always think women want me to do things for them so I avoid them with a pole made of how cocky I am. 

I sometimes feel shell shocked from all the meaningless and effortless sex I went through. I didn’t want it, and had it anyway. Now when my body gets horny I hardly know how to contain it. It makes me want to just stop a girl on the road and just start having sex with her on her car. That’s a pretty fucked up thought but that’s probably where I feel 100% comfortable as far as the scenario goes that would turn me on. It’s fucked really. Nobody can offer me that unless I bought my own mansion and did this inside, which at that point it wouldn’t be the same thing. I’m programmed to enjoy rape. It’s the only sex I ever had. It’s fucked how badly someone could rape someone. The biggest stunts and compliments from people don’t reach me because I’m just in a rocket ship of mindset strictly built for rape sex. Of course them raping me that is. I’d probably say no though as I do tend to act quite rational when not horny. My puberty is linked to suicidal development. Oh god that’s sad. It’s weird to be your own therapist. Well at least I learned more about how to be a good therapist by getting actual therapy. 

My approach to women is that of an advertisement approaching web surfers. It’s the only way I feel it’s safe because then it’ll be unsolicited and nobody would have to wait on anybody. I basically waited on her to use my body. And perhaps that’s why I want to do the same to a female body. But the thing is, no human male is capable of just playing around with the female body because it feels weird, non consensual, borderline having sex with a dead person, and the trauma dealt with having to deal with another person, well for someone as considerate as me, their food their clothing their mental state etc all sound way too taxing to go through with. But that is exactly what I feel as though I need in order to feel comfortable around females. 

It’s like I want to cut off my dick, grow tits and become a fucking tranny. Because that’s how badly I want to become one with the female body. Honestly it’s probably a lack of actual sex, and that’d probably reaffirm belief in my own body and make me feel okay. And then I probably need it again and again, but the amount of comfort I am due to feel is unfathomable. I would probably be her little bitch, bending over backwards and thanking her like she’s an angel because of how much better I would be feeling. At least that’s what I fear. I fear making a fool out of myself, but each time I try to look around all I see are fools who are seemingly just a tad more comfortable with everything than I am. If I wasn’t so emotional and sensitive I wouldn’t have gotten hurt this bad from a simple bunch of sex. Although it’s fucked and yeah it’s left me quite literally broken both emotionally and physically, it’s kinda cool to think how early I lost my virginity, fell in love / made a friend who I decided to trust in, and did that whole bit. And how fast we did it, to where there were no social stigmas to worry about, no social pressure for anything, no social image, (I guess my social image was stolen before I had the chance to develop one), no parents, no worries, no care about anything but simply being cocky in my own emotional intelligence. And come to think about it the amount of wisdom I have now couldn’t have been learned by me in my older years... it’s too traumatic and too scary and too black and too dark and too bleak of a future when someone abuses someone super sensitive and at a tender age when they don’t know what right is and don’t quite realize what wrong implicates. I was told the idea of what is wrong and what is right but I had never expetienced wrong, I had just been doing right and good as the older people instructed me. I feel the whole family raped me. I listened to all good out of all people and they were all a part of my family. I am blameless and therefore shameless. 

It’s just sad that I feel no shame. It’s offensive. My personality is offensive. But I act so scared and shy that people can’t resist this combination. And that scares me even more because people won’t guide me at all, they expect me to ask them the right questions. I don’t care if I sound crazy anymore. I might as well wear the mask if I’m going to live the life. I haven’t died yet or attempted suicidal ever ( don’t want to either I’m scared of meeting god on that note) so I’m probably still living the life that was going on by that 6-7 year old me. I just didn’t know what all I was forfeiting just to help this lady have sex.  It sucks man. But it’s also something to brag about apparently. I don’t know how to live this duality even though I’ve dreamt of having it this way for as long as I can remember. And I believe in God. So that also automatically makes me crazy as there is no proof of God existing anywhere. The truths I’ve seen and been through are only for me. If I share them I automatically become a demon amongst people. What a shitty curse. “We love you, just don’t be completely honest, it makes us feel like dirt.” What a sentiment. It probably means I am from the gutter like those rap songs talk about (hardest love song by Yelawolf). I really am the epitome of love. Writing this is making me have butterflies in my belly. Who do I share this with? 

I think low maintenance is a richness in itself

Like a Toyota vs a Mercedes. Toyota has cheaper parts and easily found replacements for maintenance. Mercedes probably require a dealership oil change and brakes and any body damage can’t easily be fixed for cheap. Having to spend a lot of money in the future is a type of slavery in the sense that it takes away from your buying power and therefore freedom. 

Being ok with less is a powerful thing. I require less material things but I require lots of attention in social situations. I need to just stop bitching and start hanging out with girls and discover what kind of people I am most favoring and comfortable with. I honestly don’t think I’m missing out on too much as I see on the internet the people who are sexually active. And they are all full of stupid energy. They don’t care to create anything but life itself. Nothing to add to the value of life itself but rather want to create an abundance of life around them. Maybe if I hadn’t discovered evil so soon I’d be on the same boat as them. 

I’m happy with less not because I choose to accept less but rather it is something I find comfort in it. Both the political statement that makes and also the physical comfort it provides. Both are satisfactory to me. But then again I am not really super happy at all times like other people are. The ones creating all the life itself.

I think Charlotte also has mosquitos. I feel bit by one for sure. It’s getting itchy.

Charlotte's nice

I like it. It's pretty comfortable. The table is a bit higher than it should be, but the chair doesn't go down on its own either. I'm goofy. That makes me lovable.
The name always reminds me of Charlotte Stokely the porn star. And she is hot, so this place must be nice as well.

Plea: Wanna be a : God
Wanna be a god so bad
Can't quite reach above the ceiling
That's all I got to say because
I'm that nigga hypocrite white
I haven't earned my keep yet
So i jump family to family
We all in this epidemic together
Don't you wish you could put
me to SLEEEEP?
Tonight
We all zane

When I wrote that, I was going through some psychotic frustration phases. And it sucked.
I wrote that on facebook, and it was pretty awesome because I got some feedback
The feedback was random, but it was fun either way
.My original intention was just to entertain people but
also for once in a way that doesn't target anybody in specific
And makes the joke out to be on their expense.
This joke was harmless
And if anything, it was at my own expense.
But I believe I bought it at a good price or bargain or whatever
Because come on
Everybody wants to be God.
Even just for a moment.
It's still there. The desire doesn't phade.


Charlotte is as alive as Dallas, TX but it doesn't have that same hick kind of spoiled feel I feel.
It still has a near air to it.
If I could, I'd have my dad move to Charlotte, NC for some time and enjoy that family/dad high with all the amenities I have right now.
That would be epic.
But some things you just can't have.
Maybe that's why we want them so bad.

Ugh it sucks having to express myself all the time so damn much.
It's just taxing to have to write or do stuff.
I suppose such is life.
And I have just been spoiled.
I do have it pretty fucking good.
But I supposed I need some venting as well,
Sort of a emotional fight if you will.
That would settle me down and keep me occupied I think
. Or maybe it wouldn't.


I enjoy all the emotional fights I've been through.
But maybe it'd be nice if they ended.
Or at least I had less emotional turmoil within myself to deal with.
So maybe I could help others or talk about their struggles
And get lost in their problems.
And forget that I have any for once
Because in all honesty I am the best well off person alive probably

And still I find stuff to complain about.
It's quite a wonder what a human being is capable of.
Give him everything. And he finds a way to say "Why the hell have I been given everything? Why not someone else?
Who can I relate to?"
And it continues.
I miss my dad though. Who's about a 11-13 hour drive away, or a 2 hour plane ride away.
So that's comforting that I am able to reach him if need be.

I feel too good

It’s scaring me. I have never been comfortable with feeling good... I have always been kept down due to that being my comfort zone. It’s like there now lives a demon inside my head that I have to earn the respect of. It sucks because he is a part of me and still disrespects me most of the time I’m breathing. It’s triggered by even my sister. And I live with her. Talk about suicidal shit havin to face. But in actuality she loves me respects me cares about me. 

It’s still scary none the less. After testing my brother in law a bit and seeing how he is doing emotionally I can feel at ease now. I think I have always wanted my own place but refuse to work for it and just want things to be handed to me. First world virus. Wasted opportunities that I never would have had in Pakistan. It’s sad really. I spend all my day in enjoyment. And refuse to work whatsoever. Even if it means having to go and walk up to someone to strike a conversation. I absolutely refuse. 

Sailing is like classic art and driving is like digital art

I’m not really sure how to describe this but here I go. Sail boats usually don’t fuzz into the picture because they mostly look like they aren’t even moving. But cars snapped at night with a normal camera will have that car lights’ blurr. Makes them look digital because of how other digital art is made and looks. I don’t know anything about digital art to be honest but I felt this point of view slaps.

Three six mafia destruction terror

“Look in the eyes of this mother fucking wise guy”

I agree. My eyes alone show I’ve done it all. They take any stab in the ballpark they can at me. Usually with the same ones over and over just different guys. I need to learn to hone in on who I am. I feel I’m holding my phone like it’s a purse, so feminine. But the truth is the truth. Hurt if it may. Maybe I have developed what it’s like to be a woman. And therefore am such a complete man that it feels incompetent on my part to try and find a mate. “Damn it’s on.” Damn it really do be on.

We entered a signal free zone and it sorta reminds me of a calming thought or idea or feeling. Not sure which it was when it happened. The up and down in air pressure feels nice. It’s a change you don’t experience every day. Another tunnel! Haha it went by fast. 

I wonder if dating is really worth sacrificing peace of mind and security in order to enjoy life a bit more. I wonder how annoyed I can get before I say fuck it and walk off mid date or something. I should definitely at least try it. But I really don’t want to have sex again really. When I’m horny then yeah I’m almost tempted to go for it, but with a sane mind no I don’t condone it for myself. I might condone it on others as a joke but in seriousness I don’t do it. I’ve had way too much mindless sex. I don’t think I could be turned on to do that anymore. Sorry Haris, you’ve already exploited that ‘innocent to lots of sex’ card. But my adult physical body wasn’t present in those images, and so I’m really shy about my physical presence. I have to act like such a gangster to feel adequate, but to be honest I get by after a bit of trauma when listening to family. I either freeze indecisive or I listen and follow through right away since I had no better idea lined up. I need to learn to take my time. Or else this life thing being sucky is going to be brought up over and over. Perhaps if I could learn to take my time I would try to take my time with girls and then simping (not talking about their butts or boobs) I will get laid eventually or most likely after a thorough conversation or two I’m sure it’ll happen. But.. but... can I stay focused for that long? I don’t even have a job to talk about. But really I just need to not be so judgy and give people time. Maybe I’ll get that in return and won’t be so miserable then. Hmm.

It’s not so bad

I’m in a great energetic mood. I would’ve been using my computer to exert dominance in Csgo or I would have watched people chat and laugh at random things. But I have music! Music is pretty lively as always. Andain - Beautiful Things. I agree when she says the road I went down is fine with. Cannot change my mind. Did I think things through? It was once my life. It’s probably a relief from heartbreak song. I like it. I’m so easily overwhelmed it’s fascinating. I just got overwhelmed by realizing how ideal my family is for me to hang out with and be around. And that made me sigh really big. Not sure if it was from relief or overwhelm ness. Not sure if important either, since in the grand scheme of things it’s probably both. It gives me hope to know when people buy big Coca Cola drinks at McDonald’s they don’t always finish them. I get to drink them then.

I think I’m into the whole ‘my way sucked, let’s try your way’ but am also too stubborn to really give other people’s way a chance. I’m a very stubborn lover. Hard to love. Only gets happy on whims. 

I don’t have a reality of my own

I enter the psyches of other people and judge myself based on that, and then think like that, and essentially be wearing a part of them very soon. I really wish I could just have a comfortable stand alone persona. Be confident in my opinions unless they really sound evident... you know the simple things. I want to be like everybody else. All joyful over the joyous things instead of looking back at the joyful things and thinking yeah they’re joyful. No, I want to actually be happy over them. But it takes such an amount of connection for me to laugh at them, and then I get too excited and ruin the environment most of the time. But if I play cool they get exhausted. It’s a really weird game for me to get happy. I play though. What else am I gonna do while waiting to die of natural causes? 

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear

It seems like a nice journey traveled so far. I’m in passenger seat just listening to music. I just saw a water tower, haha small towners. It’s nice looking in the distance and have it be hazy as if full of clouds.

We just entered Kentucky and I did not smell any fried chicken. 

Water always looks better in rounded bodies of water. Well I just had that thought because this one pond looked so cool to hang around and look into. Head visors in a car make me uncomfortable because it’s such a fail way to make the sun stay out of your eyes. Perhaps I need to invest in sun glasses so I feel comfortable with driving in sunlight. Not sure.

I feel I’m blogging too much too frequently. Not sure what other addiction to turn to at this point. I don’t think there is a healthy amount of anything within this ‘healthy’ life of mine haha

I mean it’s a very comfortable life physically. But mentally I’m tortured. I’m even tortured by feeling good most of the time. Even excitement tends to scare me.. if I’m not feeling 100% secure which I rarely am. It lasts a couple of seconds at most. Sometimes I daydream and get lost within something like driving or reading other people’s chat messages. Which is great. But when I try to feel out my emotions and think about how I feel related to other people I feel they are enjoying way too much compared to me. I am just always too scared to enjoy anything. And if I’m feeling safe it’s also because I’m bored. That child choice of mine really has left me quite defeated. Music makes things alright because I can relate to any words they say as I’m always in an emotional turmoil for the most part. I’m slowly facing my reality. It’s a real bipolar kind of a situation. On one side I blame myself for what happened and find comfort in it. Then that bothers me and I find more comfort in thinking I’m the product of child abuse and that it’s not my fault. But if it isn’t my fault then why am I required to keep it together? It’s probably a childish question. I’m 31. I must act my age. Must can suck my dick. I don’t have to do shit. I don’t have to date girls if I don’t want to. I don’t have to eat if I don’t want to. I don’t have to act my age if I don’t want to. I can be comfortable trying to find comfort in my trauma. And just focus on being my own friend for the rest of my life. Because before when I jumped towards being someone else’s friend over being considerate of myself first I lost my soul for a very long while. I’m shaking now. I was feeling powerful until a stranger looked at me and I lost myself again. Now I feel broken and shattered again. I believe all people are as evil as the worst of people. But it isn’t true. 

I enjoy good thoughts if I can keep them to myself. If I let them free then yes I am fulfilling my biological social needed quota but it is at the expense of immediate happiness and also focus draining. It is also like gambling because sometimes the return really is powerful. And it’s a much needed kind of a powerful, but it’s scary to gamble. Such is social life for me. 

I understand love songs so much deeper than anyone else I feel. But I’m probably wrong and I’m just more sensitive or something. What’s to understand haha it’s all just pleads after one’s feelings. They all want you to prioritize them and that’s basically it. This is going good. Smooth driving so far.

The day really is beautiful. There isn’t sun in this part of the road and it’s nice and hazy too.. reminds me of Delta Force 2 the computer video game. It had guns and an army based fighting standard. Like a typical army video game. When the sun shines it reminds me of Just Cause 2, which is another computer video game. And in it it had great graphics and when you were falling out of the sky, the sun sometimes would shine out of the clouds on the water/big ocean sized body of water.. and it would look very nice to look at. The player enjoyed the scenery as much as the fighting mechanics. Great game. Now we’re going through a darker more rainy map of Delta Force 2... hope we see enemies soon because it’s getting scary without people anywhere. Hope I don’t get knifed and hear that choking sound out of my player model. A farm looking land with clouds above it reminds me of a Japanese anime called ‘Is It Ok To Pick Up Girls In A Dungeon?’ Because of the beauty involved in that anime, it’s theme and such, not the girls in it. 

Now it’s sunny and still hazy so it’s reminding me of a Pakistani road with the sun scorching it creating a watery steamy mirage. Back to a rainy Delta Force 2 map again. It looks like a long range one, where people hide behind these anti tank spikes. Looking at the immediate trees to the sides reminds me of science class in 7th grade, because there was always fresh looking boring bushes and trees right outside the windows and they were always visible from inside the classroom. 

I would have been a really awesome awesome guy if I hadn’t been raped. I think sometimes that it’s better it happened for afterlife cuz now less worship is probably due out of me since I suffer daily anyway. But man would my life have been nice and amazing like everyone else’s if I hadn’t had to grow up in a traumatized way. It messed me up so bad now I can’t be attracted unless it’s rapy vibes. Shit sucks. I’m a joke now. 

But I’m doing well and feeling quite calm and good, which sounds healthy. And I don’t think I will reach anything negative. I must surmount this climb as well. I will do it. There’s nothing I cannot accomplish. There’s nothing I cannot accomplish with the help of God. I’ll be fine. It’s a fine line indeed. 

Sitting amongst mosquitos

And waiting for my shadow to get done smoking. I realize life sucks but it’s not worth mentioning so yeah even today life is grand. 

I’m so priveledged that I find boredom an annoyance. Being well fed, being well smoked, being well loved and respected by all my family members and everyone I come in contact with, even on the Internet. 

Another rage

It’s strong and trying to boil itself up. I’m afraid if I don’t talk about it, I may be consumed whole. I hate acting sad, even though that’s all that this shell experiences and all.

Let’s see what great ideas are there: enjoy what’s on tv, listen to the babies’ chatter, thank god for having no worries yet so much to do, and go have a nice relaxing throat fuming lung hurting cigarette. Or even talk to a loving family member. My dad accepts me for who I am. My mom is very impatient like me, but I’m traumatized so it hurts to communicate with her.

Cigarette coffee weed and music

Four drugs. What use is any more drug if it inhibits you? God I’m a hypocrite.

Really nice future with those things though. I mean all at once and it’s a blast. 

We’re bout to go and so packing up with me sitting on a chair to the side. I love my family and all the people in it. It is my single greatest riches in the world. I don’t have any hopes or expectations of life becoming better than how it is right now. It is absolutely wonderful. There are no complaints and all luxury. Maybe I’m just happy to be unburdened of my life long secret with my father and seeing him still accepting me really cheered me up on a soul level. It feels I’m actually a virgin again. It’s classic. Hope it lasts.

I don’t blog when I’m sad, maybe I should try it and see how liberating it is to let others have dirt on me. Not sure.

It really is a blessing on new weed day. It’s nice to see it working more. I’m feeling pretty sway. In a nice way. 

Last night a grasshopper jumped on my friend and my friend noticed the grasshopper looking at him like my friend was in the wrong place and the grasshopper was just looking at him like what’s wrong with him.

We’re about to go

Getting things in order so we can proceed on our trip towards Charlotte, NC. I’m eating a sour apple pop sickle and life has never been better. I jest, life is good though. Not much to complain about. Just sitting here in the kitchen at my parents house. As per usual. I feel highly motivated to do absolutely nothing.

It is wonderful indeed. I’m not even sure what I’m writing about anymore but it’s there. It is just dormant right now.

It’s so sad

My throat hurts and I want to smoke still 

So sad but a necessity none the less 

I wonder if I’ll end up dead in a ditch just from cigarettes

Life’s turning up with it’s new cigarette smoking restrictions... maybe I’m not as suicidal as I was a week ago, because usually I smoke a cigarette as soon as I wake up but today I haven’t done it and I’ve even typed things. That’s good. But not as great since I’m already awake at 9am. I hope this throat irritation goes away and I just want to smoke in peace and get more peace from it. I really am saying fuck the world while I light up this cigarette by first fucking over my poor lungs and my poor throat and all the organs disturbed by my smoking cigarette habit.

The burn is so delicious in the first two puffs, after that it’s all downhill unless you do something cool or get an image boost, then you can mask the pain with a feeling of feeling cool.

At this point I am feeling relief from blogging so this is going great. But it’ll plateau out back into nice normal sanity.

Just had a big smoke belch. Not sure if it’s supposed to boast my ego that I took nice hits, or my body caving from the hunger. I feel nice today. I wish everyone in the world could feel the glow im feeling. It’s got hope and power and acceptance all in one package. Ugh a sneeze just took away my focus.

‘What does it all meean?’ I remember being in my UMSL College days and I would walk around aimlessly and hopelessly from class to class rounding up a B grade average. Still confused when I became overqualified. 

It's just so confusing as to what I'm meant to be doing 24/7. There's cigarettes. And then there's family. There's lungs and there's pleasure. I have so many choice choices to pick from. (Choice as an adjective I got from the movie Lilo and Stitch). I need more energy. I need more cigarette smoke. I need to live more. I need to breathe more. More more more. It's alwaays more. Wanting more. It never ends. It won't end. Human nature. It's why I have decided to not love again. It's why I don't think my story is sharable with new faces. It's why I am not concerned if more know about my story. Or maybe I am. Because I do spread a lot of words about it to every person I meet. As soon as I meet.
The high of meeting people, even the same people, is pretty intoxicating. It's so intoxicating you start to develop a new found tolerance level and start to consume more in search of a higher high, now supported by your local humans. I wonder how such a stationary emotional high could simply just exist while being in company of other people. I hadn't felt this feeling till about a month ago (rounding up). Which is fascinating really. Verbal diarrhea really. But no it's fascinating because it's brand new. I will probably have to get used to using that safe non toxic high gotten from company of human beings rather than being on my own in my own room, and consuming mad amounts of smoke to push through the barrier of absolutely nothing. Nothing but a blind idea. Without thought. Without provocation.

Everyone develops themselves over time. I develop myself every hour. My mind is always so vacant. I can be filled with new information at all times. I doubt I'd accept just any kind of information, but given the right kind I would indeed accept it. I am ready to accept it. Waiting to accept it. I wonder if that's why I'm perceived as such a hot persona... Because I am vacant in the brains. So since it's harder for me to pay attention to people, it is also seen as more valuable when I do finally pay attention to people. But the truth is, I am constantly paying attention to people. I just don't have a long enough attention span to hold on through the conversation or let a person speak their whole speak without interrupting them because I cannot retain all that information. I was kinged too early. I was knighted among the round table too soon. I was brought up from the depths of man to greatness too soon. Too fucking soon. Too soon. I am an unfinished person now. I am a whole child now. I regret nothing now.
It's great being a grown child at the age of 15, maybe go out as a school shooter or something worthy (JOKING HERE... like my tinychat pals joke), or maybe become a pizza delivery shooter guy. I don't know, it's your life and you only get one I hear go big. And then go home. But being a grown child at the age of 31/32 is downright embarassing. Embarassing in the worst of ways. I cannot even imagine myself dating or being around with a woman. If I were around one, I'd just make the most childish of jokes, and she'd have to act like my keeper or something. And nobody wants to handle all of another human's shit. That's just disgusting no matter how good looking you are. Maybe I am wrong and other beautiful people hold a different view and are able to deal with other people's shit. But I am not. I am destined to be a happy alone person. I mean only when people really question you being sexually okay is when I get bothered. Other than that... I am a content single man. Single by choice. Single by fault.
This blog is such a high.
But so is being with family.
Really I am just sucking out the happiness from being within my own circumstances, and putting them into text. And somehow making them into written text makes it realer for me. Otherwise, I feel it's all up in the air and all fragmented ideas, but to write down thoughts makes them a bit more concrete and just helps easen the anxiety of overwhelming ideas and confusion they cause.

How Djinns are connected

Djinns communicate on another dimension
and they can do it super fast.
I don't think our personal Qareen Djinn knows everything right off the bat.
Well i suppose it even could be true.
But I don't think it is true and honestly I think it's more likely that they communicate instead.
Because talking to an X girl or Y boy should otherwise be kind of a shock as to new territory people
Coming into contact and such.
Each Djinn would have its own personality
Unless they only report and whisper
And do not have their own persona that appears out of us
But then how come I can read where a person's personality ends
And where a djinn's starts.
Because I read people as just having a "their djinn" display.


I believe all people are just djinns in a sense because
their djinn is the only part that is visible about them.
Their own personality/the soul thing it never shows.


Will explain later because this is getting ridiculous.

I think all my god complexes

and social status complexes
stem from having a lack of self worth.
My emotions got played with for a week long.
Those weeks I had no idea what I was doing,
But my ego was at stake.
So I did what was best for not me,
But my image.
And now when people drop the image on me
that "hey you look like judge dredd"
Which I googled and is this Sylvester Stalone movie
where he's this badass that whoops on every guy all by himself.
I needed consoling on how to take that compliment,
Because I was confused as to if it could be taken a bad way.
I am so tortured by my self image as a result... I always
Think it's negative, a lot more negative than positive I suppose.



Well I was feeling a lot worse about 10 mins ago.
I feel calmer now.
I just have no way to enjoy life.
Other than write down that I am enjoying life.
Honestly that's as close to real life enjoyment as I have.
This is my shoes.
Welcome to them.
How do you like it?
Because if it isn't written down, it isn't true.
Right? Even God says to try and come up with your own Quran/holy book/book of rules if you can.
Well, let's do it.
We got time on earth apparently.
Let's put it to some use at least... So god knows we definitely had him in mind.
It's not like that sky daddy person needs us to worship him.
So just focus on worshipping only when it's due.
Unless you're in need.
Then you're allowed to beg in my book.
I know I've done my fair share of begging to God.
Doesn't mean I've quit.
Who knows.
But those are just my suggestions, backed with my life story so you know where I'm coming from.
Writing is like directing a movie that is live at all times.
But I was feeling powerful tonight. Don't knkow if I will have
such an experience later on.
Or maybe I'll have a better one later.
Who knows.
Be positive right.

I'm missing my dad a lot right now

He's in the next room sleeping.
But I miss him.
I love him.
He is so caring.
I just got finished watching a movie with him.
But my emotions... Maybe I didn't express them enough to him.
It just hurts and I'm missing him.
He has been very patient and considering towards me.
He prays namaz so he is 150% lovable now.
I just love him.
It's great that I have this treasure of a father with me.
But in this shitty life even I can't cash out that treasure 24/7.
As my father has his own needs... He needs sleep
And he needs food and alone time and to work and all those things.
What good is having anything in this life if you can't even use it at all times?
Ugh I can't wait to meet God.
I said to a friend the other day how I value my family as my #1 drug in my life
And he told me how he is working towards a family. And how that is one of his main goals.
I love him too. He is very kind.

It's strong

The calling is strong.
Towards into the void.
Once again this cycle begins.
I have visual clarity.
Access to gains.
Can call upon creativity at this point.
Seems like this blog is a valid outlet to convert anger into happiness.


It's quite blissful
My father is a pretty great.
But so am I to him.
I love my sister to death probably.
And my brother in law is so unique and lovable and firm that one must respect him.

Exercise doesn’t do it for me

At least not the physical one. Mental exertion and excitation does wonders for me. My mind is powerful indeed. Especially because I have been living with so much stress alone most of my life and only within the last month I’ve gotten an honest opinion on what I’ve been going through and boy it’s been liberating to say the least.

I learned a lot about what I am going through in that therapy session. I feel physically unsafe most of the time and that tells me that I need to worry about myself first and foremost. I need to stop worrying what others are going to think or else I will get lost in thoughts and etc. Non productive.

Even the most depressing songs are comforting and uplifting for me. Uplifting first because the music is cheerful in a way no matter what it is, and then the depressing lyrics let me know at least this person was functional enough to go out there and get stuff done like make mistakes or what have you. But they are a waste of energy mostly. Draining to listen to their negativity. 

God I feel powerful

So symbolic (sp??)

Listening to till sunrise by mamma

Waisted and tired

Waisted meaning tying my waist tighter cuz i can't exactly live fully right now as I'm running a bit dry

It won't be that long
Tonight's the night
As Dexter says...
It's going to happen
has to happen.

Not knowing what my power is
Is my super power apparently
because my social status power is infinite
I notice it every time someone talks about me or i'm suggested as a topic of discussion
Although it is just in chat rooms
And in real life...
People scatter to either avoid me
Or scatter to try and fill the void in conversations that I create.

This is what it’s for

I have created a demon that interprets all that girls say to me. 

He tells me with good reasoning, ‘bro she dissed you’ or ‘bro yea that means she gave you that much dawg shit yea you oughta be glad as hell’

But until I wrote it down it was never real

Now it is

God damn it’s empty without some music

He tells me my own reflection sucks

I need outside help in deciphering simple communication 

I have a loving family to help me survive

It’s suiting that my family uses Punjabi to talk and joke. I can understand it but not speak it back, just like my desires I can’t express them... they are never strong enough to act on and I just stay confused in my pimp mindness 

Why do people choose to be their best self around me?

It's really draining

Writing in my blog makes me able to read others' stories
it's like blogging is my medicine
And I need it as often as I can get it
But also taking safe breaks for healthy cigarette smoke
to enter into my lungs and damage the once healthy foundation
healhy healthy.

People should just be their worst self around me so
I can treat them accordingly
Because I already am my worst self at all times
It would just be better
For them to pin all their pain into me
And then again I would test my limits

If I really would commit suicide with their pain added onto mine

Or is demons a real thing
To where our demons don't allow this type of pain transference to occur?
I mean what else is it?
Is it just a simple emotional barrier?
I thought people couldn't read our thoughts?
If they can feel how we are emotionally feeling at all times,
Then what difference is it if they can read my thoughts?
I feel how I think.
At all times.
I'm such a lost cause of a movie reel
Ugh.
Enjoy it while it lasts?
No you don't understand... It is not pleasurable to be disconnected to reality.
However that came out.
I think it's unreasonable to think anything in life would make me disconnected to reality
In a negative way.
I really think it impossible now.
All the worst I have already seen.
I applauded a little iraqi boy crying at his broken home and father killed in a bombing
I felt like I could relate.
He had a big screaming mouth on him
His rage was real
I think I could do with him being by my side.
Reflect thoughts with him.
See how funny he really is in face of adversity.

Heavy out.
Lol the heaviness lasted a second.

Watching a recommended youtube video and chatting/listening to music here n there

Youtube video: Why men like younger women is the video i'm meant to watch
I hope they sum it up fast
I hope it doesn't pest me too much
Oh god

I was meant to grow up and discover my personality
But instead I ended up doing something I know is wrong, with style
Now it's my permanent personality.
To do mock and negative jokes as the only way to truly represent myself
and laugh at those jokes deeply and socially




I think there is a huge power telling me that I will make money in the future but
For now... I need to just focus on staying alive and live through the trauma
Live through the trauma turning into actual real life emotions.
It will take time to process it
Ugh so much time
But life is long
So long
I hope me and my demon make it to be friends

People treating me just "right" and "respected"

Why?
Why would they respect me?
What is it that I have done?
All I said was "good afternoon" because it's 2 something pm at my time.


Apparently this is true love
I hid all my anger and sadness
And displayed only a positive note
And instead of them being consumed by anger, they filled my anger with creative good nothings.

I love these people in this moment, but rather it's nothing personal.
And if i were to say I love these people... they would take it personally and offensively
I know because I've tried saying that before
And it always ends ugly
People want you to love yourself so much you don't need others to love you
People expect you to be non human
People's expectations are how we define success though
It is a pretty tiring loop

But such is life
And we should enjoy it while it lasts.
I guess?
This is me being the childish fool that I am

As I write these I wonder how long they will haunt me

Because essentially these thoughts need to be processed and overcome
Or broken down and built into better and more pleasurable outlets
Yeah I was raped.
By a girl.
As a boy.
A little tiny boy.
A good boy.
Of age 6-7.
I was nice.
I used to enjoy listening to adults when they would say "God will reward you!"
I was the goody good kid.
That was faced with adversity and I took it upon me to help another person
That person used me.
That person programmed my body to be a sex god.
I am not aware of the dangers this implicates.
Because anywhere and everywhere social status is something people fight for.
It's kill or be killed when it comes to social status.
Well, I was killed at least 15 times during that week and a half process of being with her for an hour daily.
I wonder how dead I already was when I asked "again?" and she said "no, it's wrong."
And just like that a BabyGod was born.

My desire for helping someone became into me being used like a tool.
Now I try to find love in using others like a tool.
Who is supposed to teach me how to love again?
I already try to love myself as much as I can.
Nah who am I joking.
I hate myself.
I am disgusted at myself each time I am unable to be happy at the jokes people crack at me.
Each time my disgusting sad sack stare procures it's kill or be killed.
People fight each other for status or try to suck up to me super fast.
It just amazes me and both scares me as well as to what I truly am capable of now that I have this super power.

These thoughts are a super power?
Huh. Really now?
What is it good for?
Well, social status for one.
Immediate power in any sitting.
My mother would ask here, "How will that power help you?"
I will reply "I don't need help."

Man this suicidal pot is huge. I wonder how long it'll take to vent enough for today so I can just eat popcorn and watch Netflix.
This is a fucking job.
Just staying afloat and being able to have the luxury of smoking a cigarette is somehow tied into BLOGGING my thoughts.
This is actually good therapy.
And it's a pure kind of a therapy.
The kid who went into hell flames is now trying to forge his own kingdom.
It's beautiful to witness.

Good on you, kid! (I tell myself)

All in Once or None at All

I am physically programmed to be impatient.



I am physically trained and psychologically and subconsciously programmed to be very very impatient.
To the point that it bothers me.

I suppose having sex super early while knowing it was wrong and new
made me think that I have done it all as well.
So the suicide ideation fits in.
I need to speak more with myself/an audience that isn't just one person.
I'm tired of one on one talks.
I just need to express my anger on this virtual piece of paper

And God got me.
We'll be fine.
But before I log, I'll blog/complain more about my suicidal ideation
Because I can.



It's disgustingly saddening when I see people play video games and enjoy
Because I long to do that.
I enjoy a video game for a mere few minutes before it gets boring.
But I usually do keep playing to support having a hard head.
I'm programmed to be joyous in every situation.

If it isn't joyful, I'm suicidal.
And my taste of joy is quite specific.

It feels like my destiny is to be sexually active and be going through functioning up's and down's of life

But instead I'm sad no girl is approaching me to have sex again.
When they say hello or hi, it makes me think they're being a bitch for wasting my time
Yeah. It's messed up.
And I never learned to feel this way.
I have no memory of learning girls can be bitches.
But I have that fact stored in my mind.
They be 11 feet tall dark skinny demons.
Maybe that photo is phased by her being pakistani and then seeing some visions of shadow infested individuals.


I wonder how I will do in the next cigarette.
Will I have diarrhea still? Or will I go to bathroom first and then have the diarrhea anyway?
Choices choices.
Decisions decisions.
I am the biggest pimp to make happy.
It is difficult to manage my emotions in a way that is pleasant to me in one way or another.
It's so annoying what this passenger desires.
I'm sure everyone can relate with this statement at least.
People are haunted by what they want because it doesn't fit what they need. ? or wait- IS that true?
It sure as hell is true for me.
I don't have the capacity or idealogy to make relationships anymore.
I am growing daily yeah.
But into a more self aware vacant piece of shit.

The calm of my suicidal reasoning

I don't want to end my life.

I just wanted to speculate on why my suicidal reasonings might have an upside.
I think it's a good thing that I don't have to really accomplish much in life
As long as I don't commit suicide
I think I am a fine attained successful individual
I just have to learn to stay dead
And not pretend that I am alive

Pretending I'm alive just ends up hurting me because I am lying to myself.

Walk in my shoes bro/sis. Girls you go through period suicidal ideation monthly.
But you have other girls to relate to in this
I can too relate to others, but when I offer my darkest sufferings
They eat them up like it's Spam and just open the can and start chugging
That's literally how fast they go through my painful problems
I just have that look on my face like I don't need help
I wonder when this look developed

I wonder if I was aware of it developing.
I wonder if it just happened in a split second
And now I'm wondering why I was able to make that jump so easily.
Did god really intend for us to suffer this much over pussy?
Now I'm thinking that others do go through the suffering I go through,
But from different aspects.

Such as the suicidal idealogy is funny to some people.
I wish I could find someone as suicidal as me and still breathing air.
But NO. NO. NO. God NO. When I open my mouth people scram to change my attention and focus
Only the therapist didn't do that. My only one session of therapy.
But it was a good session.
I learned I am physically feeling unsafe most of the time.

But feeling safe also makes me want to commit suicide more.
I scare myself a LOT.

I want some things.
But I don't know if my body wants them
Or is ready to process them
Maybe I have had enough sex for a lifetime or two.
God I'm spoiled.

Morning cigarette

I hope I have the desire to enunciate this again that by my morning cigarette I’m always holding in diarrhea from last night’s kratom usage. So a little bit of suicidal ideation spread between having diarrhea. Physical manifestation if you will since I took kratom to escape total oblivious thoughts

One more amtrac remix

The song flexes on having money and how that’s really al you need to convince someone that you’d be a fun time. Feeling strong desires of wanting to suicide and just end it all because of the amount of growth I need to do in order to do anything meaningful in this life.

Good song though. I think it’s a pretty happy flex at least right now.

Cigarettes after sex - Nothing's gonna hurt you baby

Great song.
Calming.
But the whole "as long as you're with me"
Sounds a bit too good to be true...
How long exactly will that together time last?
I forsee all the good talk because then comes the negative
News that are too good to be true usually are



Nothing's gonna hurt you baby...
Nothing's gonna take you from my side
Yeah right.
Life itself will find ways to separate us




Here on tinychat, I'm always seen as a symbol of sex.
And rude commentary is supposed to suit me and my style.
But when I do speak up, it's always good nice non-sex talk.
This is the fucking trauma I go through every fucking day
It's the same within my family too.
People are confused as to what is okay by me
And hey! So am I!

I am very very very confused by what the fuck is going on sex-wise around me.
I mean about myself personally
I rarely realize how bad I am being anxious'd out before it's too late.
Maaybe I'm bitching a bit too much.

Sia - Breathe me

I hurt myself daily.

Not physically but rather emotionally. I do it in each sitting with and without any company present. So yes I get this little girl’s approach

Listening to lil Wayne

Song called ‘Love me’

So many mosquitos out here. Keep me moving

This is nice to have a valid output to an audience anywhere I am.

I can relate so well to the end sayings like ‘as soon as I come I come to my senses’ lmao...

I'm scared of fame. I'm scared of what it brings. Responsibilities to keep people happy. Fuck responsibilities. Fuck not using curse words. Fuck life. Fuck God. Fuck god. fuck GOD. It's not between you or me or me and they but rather god and me and god himself. Not sure what this last sentence means. Sometimes I stutter while articulating and I find it even more articulative. Twice forward three backwards in sets of 5's. Nonsense. My brain does that. I'm not made to do anything but blog a fuck ton. My thoughts need to be written down. I feel too dead inside to not compose. I need to compose until I find a meaningful composition. I have a good head on my shoulders. I was just too young to realize what I was learning. It is learned by my body VERY WELL. VERY WELL. VERY WELL. WELL, VERY WELL. I wish I could unlearn it just like in a year or two as people grieve over break ups. Or maybe smart people do go through long break ups like 5-10 years. I hope I'll be fixed in 5-10 years. Shit, at least now I know my damage. It should be a downhill walk from here. I need to write. I need to write.

It's been a while since I wrote. I have decided to come back again and altogether. I missed this place. I need a venting joint. My wills are still more and more growing stronger towards ending it all. But it's just painful to see visually how much growth I have to go through to feel sane. It's funny most days I feel very insane but manage to just smoke cigs and still make it to my bed at night. I startle myself. My dad startles me. My brother in law startles me. My sister startles me. My little sister startles me. My brother startles me a lot. They only love me. But I don't know any better. Any type of attraction for me, or any love, somehow may mean I might owe them sex. That part is ingrained in my brain. Sex scares me. Sex is a huge part of life. Life is meaningless without sex. Or something like that for most people's minds. I wish to never have sex with another person again. I am fine by sexing by myself. I think it's a great way to relieve stress. I am an expert at getting the attention of chaturbate models if they allow a free user to chat. They all seem to do what I want, how I want, when I really want. This view of life is so luxurious I'm not sure anybody else in the world has it. Typing this out made me realize that it is real. I am a born writer. I almost wrote that on Facebook. I just love to stunt. I am careless. I suppose someone in my position can afford to be careless as all my feelings come back within the day or so. Then I can make new decisions. I am made to mechanically fuck a different girl every day. I am made emotionally to fuck a different girl every day. I am carved and made into a sex slave mentality. But I am surrounded by first world nation spoiled brats. Speaking of spoiled, I am spoiled in sex. I demand girls be naked and shaking their butts for me at all times that I am addressing them. It's really weird because then I'd want my sister like that too. These thoughts are not something you can make up. It's fucked up. It is disgusting. It is puke worthy It fucking puts me to shame. It fucking haunts me in my dreams. It fucking hurts to know that these thoughts exist for me. It fucking hurts. I don't like looking like a pimp 24/7. I don't take any pride in looking like a pimp 24/7. I don't take any luxury in looking like a pimp 24/7. I do take luxury some times. But not 24/7 as this curse is upon me supposes I endure. I hate typing weird. I suppose I am calming down now. This was nice. Till later, blogger.