i don't know how to open up

I do not know how to open up. I can try my hardest and still come about so vague that it confuses even me, i can't imagine how odd it sounds to others. There are some that simply like something about me so they will accept anything out of my mouth and just treat me like pretty much royalty (or a normal human in my view).

I want to learn how to open up, but I don't have the will power to do anything that doesn't pay off right away. I'm more of a not doing something so it will pay off kind of a person.

I pray to Allah to teach me the things to make me have the best character I can possibly achieve. (For Allah likes most those with best of character, as far as I know). Amen.

Alhamdulillah

God has blessed me with integrity, wisdom, courage, and strength.

cs 1.6 was my favorite game

CS 1.5 was the best, but cs 1.6 is cool too, awp did need a bit of a nerf or else coked up kids would just rush and kill all of ya... and with other guns there's recoil so positioning/lucky lining up of the enemy players mattered, and there was consistency in that the players moved slow but could turn around fast enough to compensate for their movement speed and stop and take the shot, no matter where the player was, as long as the sensitivity/dpi/hz was proper...

but nobody really plays cs 1.6 anymore, there's only about 3-6 total servers that are active with over 10 players in them, and to be honest it is still just as fun but playing against the same people gets boring... you want newer style players, who do different things, and ultimately it's a new thrill to kill them because they have difference to offer as opposed to the same old style fragging.

All the new kids play cs:go (Counter-strike Global Offensive) because it has prettier graphics. That's it. The downsides are overlooked by everyone, such as gameplay, hitboxes, constant fps spikes and drops as you're turning or anything so your sensitivity is never really even your sensitivity and you're just basically playing as if the crosshair has an invisible skateboard under it, which i'll call RNG (Random Number Generator). As if the coded RNG for the single shot wasn't enough, they made it to where you need super super computers that normal casual gamers can't afford, but fat slow rich kids with no skills can afford and enjoy the benefits of being rich... They made the game so it's easier to get kills if you're rich, and if you're poor or have an average-budget pc, totally only about 1000$ or 1500$, you either have to play like a faggot and wait around corners and play really smart, or you just have to die a lot because the other players can see you before you can see them because of fps drops for you and no fps drops for them...

It is truly a tragedy, and Allah is testing me with this as well. I made it to pretty much #1 aimer in cs 1.6 and Allah took all that away from me. Just in like 1 week, it was all gone... It's okay though, since Allah owns the world, including me. Allah does what Allah wishes. I am upset and sad and basically helpless and hopeless to ever enjoying the counter-strike fragging fun ever again, but Inshallah (if Allah wills) there will be a better plan for me, which will be much more rewarding and superior to this. After all, I'm not here to own this world... This Dunya/world belongs to the kuffar. They get to enjoy this as their paradise and I am happy with Allah's plan.

May Allah forgive my sins for not being able to enjoy this game.

Yo ima solo typa muslim

Perfected by Allah and blessed by Allah. So thanks to Allah, my real one and only Owner that bestowed free will upon this slave of his

Feeling blessed - hope i remember this time and state of mind

I'm blessed, thanks to Allah. I am glad I am alive today that I may worship Allah for a bit longer before I pass on to answer for my deeds.

I pray I have the book of my deeds handed in my right hand, and that I am favored by Allah and forgiven.

I pray I am one of Allah's favorites. I have dedicated my life's energy in trying to restraint myself and others from the path of evil, and I pray that I do not fall short in obeying Allah with all of my will and energy.

My I die in prostration to Allah.

I miss being younger

There's so much I've missed out because of my path chosen, and I obviously miss the things that I never experienced because I hear about those events, and I see them in a new light. That new light is seemingly quite entertaining and those glimpses make my soul weep in wonder. Almost wander, from my path, each time a strong nerve is struck.

But I stay wide eyed with my drooping face.

Holy shit, man I crave that younger me. And all the bitching in the world isn't enough to bring it back. I want to get high off of crying due to self pity. That's really as pure as this life's bliss gets for me. That's why I step out and knock myself out sometimes.

Sometimes pain needs to be realized and valued for what it really is. A lesson. A reminder. A promise. A part of the real beauty of reality.

do you think addiction can be beautiful?

for someone to do something against their will, and stay content... don't you see the level of harmony in that person?



like I think i'm addicted to staying alive, or else i would have killed myself a couple of times by now

some people are in love, and can't help themselves from stopping even though at times they want to



essentially, some humans think freeing their will is the best manifestation of the given free will

Blogging after a while

Im living these days out as if they are my last but i am not yet ready to face death, haven't finished the Quran yet so there are duties due on me, that Inshallah i finish before lying.