Weed is too physical to really feel it. I can feel the cigarette in my mouth shaking but I’m still having to easen my way into feeling the mental effects.
Ugh.
So much trauma.
Venting somewhere seems to make it better almost instantaneously. I wonder if it’s just the morning kratom withdrawal shits that I’m hating right now. Eh who am I kidding I just hate this worldly life.
It’s like I’ve used up all my hope and all I got is faith left. Faith is like a binary variable, either you got it or you don’t. I probably have it from the childhood sex. But what sucks is she never let me really do anything and I just followed her commands. Now I’m such a simp I always think women want me to do things for them so I avoid them with a pole made of how cocky I am.
I sometimes feel shell shocked from all the meaningless and effortless sex I went through. I didn’t want it, and had it anyway. Now when my body gets horny I hardly know how to contain it. It makes me want to just stop a girl on the road and just start having sex with her on her car. That’s a pretty fucked up thought but that’s probably where I feel 100% comfortable as far as the scenario goes that would turn me on. It’s fucked really. Nobody can offer me that unless I bought my own mansion and did this inside, which at that point it wouldn’t be the same thing. I’m programmed to enjoy rape. It’s the only sex I ever had. It’s fucked how badly someone could rape someone. The biggest stunts and compliments from people don’t reach me because I’m just in a rocket ship of mindset strictly built for rape sex. Of course them raping me that is. I’d probably say no though as I do tend to act quite rational when not horny. My puberty is linked to suicidal development. Oh god that’s sad. It’s weird to be your own therapist. Well at least I learned more about how to be a good therapist by getting actual therapy.
My approach to women is that of an advertisement approaching web surfers. It’s the only way I feel it’s safe because then it’ll be unsolicited and nobody would have to wait on anybody. I basically waited on her to use my body. And perhaps that’s why I want to do the same to a female body. But the thing is, no human male is capable of just playing around with the female body because it feels weird, non consensual, borderline having sex with a dead person, and the trauma dealt with having to deal with another person, well for someone as considerate as me, their food their clothing their mental state etc all sound way too taxing to go through with. But that is exactly what I feel as though I need in order to feel comfortable around females.
It’s like I want to cut off my dick, grow tits and become a fucking tranny. Because that’s how badly I want to become one with the female body. Honestly it’s probably a lack of actual sex, and that’d probably reaffirm belief in my own body and make me feel okay. And then I probably need it again and again, but the amount of comfort I am due to feel is unfathomable. I would probably be her little bitch, bending over backwards and thanking her like she’s an angel because of how much better I would be feeling. At least that’s what I fear. I fear making a fool out of myself, but each time I try to look around all I see are fools who are seemingly just a tad more comfortable with everything than I am. If I wasn’t so emotional and sensitive I wouldn’t have gotten hurt this bad from a simple bunch of sex. Although it’s fucked and yeah it’s left me quite literally broken both emotionally and physically, it’s kinda cool to think how early I lost my virginity, fell in love / made a friend who I decided to trust in, and did that whole bit. And how fast we did it, to where there were no social stigmas to worry about, no social pressure for anything, no social image, (I guess my social image was stolen before I had the chance to develop one), no parents, no worries, no care about anything but simply being cocky in my own emotional intelligence. And come to think about it the amount of wisdom I have now couldn’t have been learned by me in my older years... it’s too traumatic and too scary and too black and too dark and too bleak of a future when someone abuses someone super sensitive and at a tender age when they don’t know what right is and don’t quite realize what wrong implicates. I was told the idea of what is wrong and what is right but I had never expetienced wrong, I had just been doing right and good as the older people instructed me. I feel the whole family raped me. I listened to all good out of all people and they were all a part of my family. I am blameless and therefore shameless.
It’s just sad that I feel no shame. It’s offensive. My personality is offensive. But I act so scared and shy that people can’t resist this combination. And that scares me even more because people won’t guide me at all, they expect me to ask them the right questions. I don’t care if I sound crazy anymore. I might as well wear the mask if I’m going to live the life. I haven’t died yet or attempted suicidal ever ( don’t want to either I’m scared of meeting god on that note) so I’m probably still living the life that was going on by that 6-7 year old me. I just didn’t know what all I was forfeiting just to help this lady have sex. It sucks man. But it’s also something to brag about apparently. I don’t know how to live this duality even though I’ve dreamt of having it this way for as long as I can remember. And I believe in God. So that also automatically makes me crazy as there is no proof of God existing anywhere. The truths I’ve seen and been through are only for me. If I share them I automatically become a demon amongst people. What a shitty curse. “We love you, just don’t be completely honest, it makes us feel like dirt.” What a sentiment. It probably means I am from the gutter like those rap songs talk about (hardest love song by Yelawolf). I really am the epitome of love. Writing this is making me have butterflies in my belly. Who do I share this with?
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