All in Once or None at All

I am physically programmed to be impatient.



I am physically trained and psychologically and subconsciously programmed to be very very impatient.
To the point that it bothers me.

I suppose having sex super early while knowing it was wrong and new
made me think that I have done it all as well.
So the suicide ideation fits in.
I need to speak more with myself/an audience that isn't just one person.
I'm tired of one on one talks.
I just need to express my anger on this virtual piece of paper

And God got me.
We'll be fine.
But before I log, I'll blog/complain more about my suicidal ideation
Because I can.



It's disgustingly saddening when I see people play video games and enjoy
Because I long to do that.
I enjoy a video game for a mere few minutes before it gets boring.
But I usually do keep playing to support having a hard head.
I'm programmed to be joyous in every situation.

If it isn't joyful, I'm suicidal.
And my taste of joy is quite specific.

It feels like my destiny is to be sexually active and be going through functioning up's and down's of life

But instead I'm sad no girl is approaching me to have sex again.
When they say hello or hi, it makes me think they're being a bitch for wasting my time
Yeah. It's messed up.
And I never learned to feel this way.
I have no memory of learning girls can be bitches.
But I have that fact stored in my mind.
They be 11 feet tall dark skinny demons.
Maybe that photo is phased by her being pakistani and then seeing some visions of shadow infested individuals.


I wonder how I will do in the next cigarette.
Will I have diarrhea still? Or will I go to bathroom first and then have the diarrhea anyway?
Choices choices.
Decisions decisions.
I am the biggest pimp to make happy.
It is difficult to manage my emotions in a way that is pleasant to me in one way or another.
It's so annoying what this passenger desires.
I'm sure everyone can relate with this statement at least.
People are haunted by what they want because it doesn't fit what they need. ? or wait- IS that true?
It sure as hell is true for me.
I don't have the capacity or idealogy to make relationships anymore.
I am growing daily yeah.
But into a more self aware vacant piece of shit.