The calm of my suicidal reasoning

I don't want to end my life.

I just wanted to speculate on why my suicidal reasonings might have an upside.
I think it's a good thing that I don't have to really accomplish much in life
As long as I don't commit suicide
I think I am a fine attained successful individual
I just have to learn to stay dead
And not pretend that I am alive

Pretending I'm alive just ends up hurting me because I am lying to myself.

Walk in my shoes bro/sis. Girls you go through period suicidal ideation monthly.
But you have other girls to relate to in this
I can too relate to others, but when I offer my darkest sufferings
They eat them up like it's Spam and just open the can and start chugging
That's literally how fast they go through my painful problems
I just have that look on my face like I don't need help
I wonder when this look developed

I wonder if I was aware of it developing.
I wonder if it just happened in a split second
And now I'm wondering why I was able to make that jump so easily.
Did god really intend for us to suffer this much over pussy?
Now I'm thinking that others do go through the suffering I go through,
But from different aspects.

Such as the suicidal idealogy is funny to some people.
I wish I could find someone as suicidal as me and still breathing air.
But NO. NO. NO. God NO. When I open my mouth people scram to change my attention and focus
Only the therapist didn't do that. My only one session of therapy.
But it was a good session.
I learned I am physically feeling unsafe most of the time.

But feeling safe also makes me want to commit suicide more.
I scare myself a LOT.

I want some things.
But I don't know if my body wants them
Or is ready to process them
Maybe I have had enough sex for a lifetime or two.
God I'm spoiled.