Objects in mirror are closer than they appear

It seems like a nice journey traveled so far. I’m in passenger seat just listening to music. I just saw a water tower, haha small towners. It’s nice looking in the distance and have it be hazy as if full of clouds.

We just entered Kentucky and I did not smell any fried chicken. 

Water always looks better in rounded bodies of water. Well I just had that thought because this one pond looked so cool to hang around and look into. Head visors in a car make me uncomfortable because it’s such a fail way to make the sun stay out of your eyes. Perhaps I need to invest in sun glasses so I feel comfortable with driving in sunlight. Not sure.

I feel I’m blogging too much too frequently. Not sure what other addiction to turn to at this point. I don’t think there is a healthy amount of anything within this ‘healthy’ life of mine haha

I mean it’s a very comfortable life physically. But mentally I’m tortured. I’m even tortured by feeling good most of the time. Even excitement tends to scare me.. if I’m not feeling 100% secure which I rarely am. It lasts a couple of seconds at most. Sometimes I daydream and get lost within something like driving or reading other people’s chat messages. Which is great. But when I try to feel out my emotions and think about how I feel related to other people I feel they are enjoying way too much compared to me. I am just always too scared to enjoy anything. And if I’m feeling safe it’s also because I’m bored. That child choice of mine really has left me quite defeated. Music makes things alright because I can relate to any words they say as I’m always in an emotional turmoil for the most part. I’m slowly facing my reality. It’s a real bipolar kind of a situation. On one side I blame myself for what happened and find comfort in it. Then that bothers me and I find more comfort in thinking I’m the product of child abuse and that it’s not my fault. But if it isn’t my fault then why am I required to keep it together? It’s probably a childish question. I’m 31. I must act my age. Must can suck my dick. I don’t have to do shit. I don’t have to date girls if I don’t want to. I don’t have to eat if I don’t want to. I don’t have to act my age if I don’t want to. I can be comfortable trying to find comfort in my trauma. And just focus on being my own friend for the rest of my life. Because before when I jumped towards being someone else’s friend over being considerate of myself first I lost my soul for a very long while. I’m shaking now. I was feeling powerful until a stranger looked at me and I lost myself again. Now I feel broken and shattered again. I believe all people are as evil as the worst of people. But it isn’t true. 

I enjoy good thoughts if I can keep them to myself. If I let them free then yes I am fulfilling my biological social needed quota but it is at the expense of immediate happiness and also focus draining. It is also like gambling because sometimes the return really is powerful. And it’s a much needed kind of a powerful, but it’s scary to gamble. Such is social life for me. 

I understand love songs so much deeper than anyone else I feel. But I’m probably wrong and I’m just more sensitive or something. What’s to understand haha it’s all just pleads after one’s feelings. They all want you to prioritize them and that’s basically it. This is going good. Smooth driving so far.

The day really is beautiful. There isn’t sun in this part of the road and it’s nice and hazy too.. reminds me of Delta Force 2 the computer video game. It had guns and an army based fighting standard. Like a typical army video game. When the sun shines it reminds me of Just Cause 2, which is another computer video game. And in it it had great graphics and when you were falling out of the sky, the sun sometimes would shine out of the clouds on the water/big ocean sized body of water.. and it would look very nice to look at. The player enjoyed the scenery as much as the fighting mechanics. Great game. Now we’re going through a darker more rainy map of Delta Force 2... hope we see enemies soon because it’s getting scary without people anywhere. Hope I don’t get knifed and hear that choking sound out of my player model. A farm looking land with clouds above it reminds me of a Japanese anime called ‘Is It Ok To Pick Up Girls In A Dungeon?’ Because of the beauty involved in that anime, it’s theme and such, not the girls in it. 

Now it’s sunny and still hazy so it’s reminding me of a Pakistani road with the sun scorching it creating a watery steamy mirage. Back to a rainy Delta Force 2 map again. It looks like a long range one, where people hide behind these anti tank spikes. Looking at the immediate trees to the sides reminds me of science class in 7th grade, because there was always fresh looking boring bushes and trees right outside the windows and they were always visible from inside the classroom. 

I would have been a really awesome awesome guy if I hadn’t been raped. I think sometimes that it’s better it happened for afterlife cuz now less worship is probably due out of me since I suffer daily anyway. But man would my life have been nice and amazing like everyone else’s if I hadn’t had to grow up in a traumatized way. It messed me up so bad now I can’t be attracted unless it’s rapy vibes. Shit sucks. I’m a joke now. 

But I’m doing well and feeling quite calm and good, which sounds healthy. And I don’t think I will reach anything negative. I must surmount this climb as well. I will do it. There’s nothing I cannot accomplish. There’s nothing I cannot accomplish with the help of God. I’ll be fine. It’s a fine line indeed.