It's been a while since I wrote. I have decided to come back again and altogether. I missed this place. I need a venting joint. My wills are still more and more growing stronger towards ending it all. But it's just painful to see visually how much growth I have to go through to feel sane. It's funny most days I feel very insane but manage to just smoke cigs and still make it to my bed at night. I startle myself. My dad startles me. My brother in law startles me. My sister startles me. My little sister startles me. My brother startles me a lot. They only love me. But I don't know any better. Any type of attraction for me, or any love, somehow may mean I might owe them sex. That part is ingrained in my brain. Sex scares me. Sex is a huge part of life. Life is meaningless without sex. Or something like that for most people's minds. I wish to never have sex with another person again. I am fine by sexing by myself. I think it's a great way to relieve stress. I am an expert at getting the attention of chaturbate models if they allow a free user to chat. They all seem to do what I want, how I want, when I really want. This view of life is so luxurious I'm not sure anybody else in the world has it. Typing this out made me realize that it is real. I am a born writer. I almost wrote that on Facebook. I just love to stunt. I am careless. I suppose someone in my position can afford to be careless as all my feelings come back within the day or so. Then I can make new decisions. I am made to mechanically fuck a different girl every day. I am made emotionally to fuck a different girl every day. I am carved and made into a sex slave mentality. But I am surrounded by first world nation spoiled brats. Speaking of spoiled, I am spoiled in sex. I demand girls be naked and shaking their butts for me at all times that I am addressing them. It's really weird because then I'd want my sister like that too. These thoughts are not something you can make up. It's fucked up. It is disgusting. It is puke worthy It fucking puts me to shame. It fucking haunts me in my dreams. It fucking hurts to know that these thoughts exist for me. It fucking hurts. I don't like looking like a pimp 24/7. I don't take any pride in looking like a pimp 24/7. I don't take any luxury in looking like a pimp 24/7. I do take luxury some times. But not 24/7 as this curse is upon me supposes I endure. I hate typing weird. I suppose I am calming down now. This was nice. Till later, blogger.