I don’t have a reality of my own

I enter the psyches of other people and judge myself based on that, and then think like that, and essentially be wearing a part of them very soon. I really wish I could just have a comfortable stand alone persona. Be confident in my opinions unless they really sound evident... you know the simple things. I want to be like everybody else. All joyful over the joyous things instead of looking back at the joyful things and thinking yeah they’re joyful. No, I want to actually be happy over them. But it takes such an amount of connection for me to laugh at them, and then I get too excited and ruin the environment most of the time. But if I play cool they get exhausted. It’s a really weird game for me to get happy. I play though. What else am I gonna do while waiting to die of natural causes?